Parenthood to a baby or small child is a full-time job. Being a carer is also a full-time job. Both equally as important, both incredibly rewarding and both very hard work.
A parent/carer, is sadly a name that is given to a lot of parents as a result of some kind of trauma. Whether that be an event during labor and delivery, a result of medical negligence or another reason.
My daughter Avery, was just three days old when she suffered a 40 minute cardiac arrest, resulting in a severe hypoxic brain injury and Cerebral Palsy, among other conditions. Thus, parent/carer was my new title and lifestyle.
Life is challenging.
As much as I love all three of my children, and would sacrifice my last breath for them, this last year and a half have really tested my sanity.
During my pregnancy with my third baby, and only little girl, I dreamed of sweet cuddles, the magnificent bond through breastfeeding and watching her wrap her brothers around her beautiful little finger.
I still get those sweet cuddles, in between fighting with Avery’s very persistent Dystonic spasms. Breastfeeding was a lost cause the day severe reflux reared its ugly head and well – Avery certainly still has everyone wrapped around her little finger.
But her life isn’t what I had dreamed of for her. My life isn’t what I had dreamed of.
Every day is a constant battle of high tone, Dystonia, tube feeding and reflux.
Being a parent/carer takes a great deal of energy, through those many sleepless nights, whether Avery is restless through sensory overload or she happened to cough before she fell to sleep which has me staring at her SATs monitor all night.
It takes a great deal of motivation. Persisting with numerous therapies and feeling when you’re seeing little results.
It takes time, even just getting out of the house can take an extra hour to prepare.
You may think that this blog post is just me complaining about life, and I can totally see that. But there is a very important reason I have chosen to start on a negative note – I want every parent/carer to remember that it’s ok not to be ok.
It’s ok to admit that you’re struggling. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to need a break.
For such a long time I felt like it was such a miracle that Avery was still with us, and we had been given a precious gift of a second chance, that I felt guilty every time I was irritated, angered or upset by this new life we had been given.
One of my very wise YouTube subscribers once said to me, ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’, and especially as a parent/carer – these are words to live by.
Self care is so incredibly important – for anyone, not just us parents and parent/carers. But when someone relies on you to help them live a fulfilled life, the best example you can give is that you need to look after yourself.
Whenever you travel by plane, in case of emergency you are always advised to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others – because if you run out of oxygen, how will you stay conscious to put someone else’s mask on? This, in my opinion, is not just flight safety, it’s a life lesson!
A few months ago I was offered the opportunity to visit my older cousin in Crete, with my Mum, Aunt and younger cousin.
I had never been away from Avery before, I’d only just started feeling comfortable leaving her with my Mum for a couple of hours, so naturally, my first response was – ABSOLUTELY NOT!
But, after a very long chat with my husband, expressing my concerns and going back and forth – a lot, we decided that it would be a good thing for me to take a break.
I went away for five days, leaving my husband behind with our children, which in itself was a nerve-wracking thought. Sure, he was perfectly capable, but I’m a stay at home Mom, it was just me and Avery while the boys were at school. 5 days a week, every week.
I was worried she would miss me, I was worried she would wonder where I was, I was worried my husband would struggle.
I knew my boys would be fine, at the ages of six and nine they find anything unordinary exciting.
I spent the two weeks prior getting everything in order so my absence would be as easy as possible for my husband. By the time the trip came around, I was exhausted, and in desperate need of a break.
I cried when I said goodbye to my babies, and it took me a few hours of traveling to the airport, and a couple of video calls with Avery to stop sulking.
When I finally let myself be present I was grateful for it. I missed the kids, I missed home, but for a few days, it was really nice to run off of my own time. I ate when I was hungry, not when I had the time to. I slept in silence, without the roaring of a sound machine in the next room (which was weird at first but I got used to it!). I laid on a sun lounger for the majority of the day and only got up if I wanted to, I even had a couple of naps!
All in all the break was needed more than I thought. It gave me a chance to relax, reflect and reset.
Of course life was still waiting to take me back with open arms, everything was exactly where I left it (just a little messier). My apprehension was from a place in my mind that was conjured up by my own anxieties.
Long story short, there is no shame in needing a break from your lifestyle. It doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve what you have. It doesn’t make you any less of a parent, carer or person.
A break doesn’t have to come in the form of a trip or time away. It could be a soak in the bath, a bit of extra time to do your hair or makeup, a salon appointment, or some tie to focus on a hobby you enjoy. Just a little bit of time to reflect and reset can do the world of good, and I would highly recommend it.